My Silent Pain,
Lost in Change,
After watching the new Great Gatsby tonight, it rekindled my inner feelings and thoughts I use to think so daily about. I have thought of myself in a way as a Jay Gatsby ever since I read The Great Gatsby in high school. Aside from his riches, he is the one character in literature I have been able to find a profound connection with.
The one similarity that I connect with Gatsby is our love for someone who will never be ours again. We have thrown away years of our lives trying to keep the flame of our relationships alive, but what was five years for Gatsby managed to be only three to me. A strong difference in this similar situation is that I have let go of the those thoughts. I realized the past can never be forged to what it once was, and that I have to move on because it can never be again. That does not mean the door is shut and sealed, but it means I have turned my back and am walking away from what the reality that is on the other side.
Another similarity between Gatsby and I is the way in which people perceive us. From the outside looking in, many would see me as a somewhat handsome and decent looking male; but what few could even figure out or fathom is that there is this gaping hole in the middle of my soul. A hole that has made me lost and confused, just like Gatsby I am trying to fill the void with material possessions and fancy people. All to no avail though because we both long for the past to repeat. Alas, people are so superficial they only want to see what they want to see, and for that matter believe what they only want to believe; that few come along and alter the way in which I am seen.
What is hope? The belief that good will come ones’ way, or an optimistic outlook towards the future and events to come? Both myself and Gatsby have too much hope. Although many would argue with the idea of me of all people having hope is true, hope is all that keeps me going. I hope that my family will stay strong and continue on, I hope for all my friends to live successful lives and be happy, and I hope for myself to meet someone who is as troubled as me and we make it our mission not to let either fade into the wind. Hope is really all that I have left inside of me, and I am trying to bend it so that it makes me more positive than negative. Hopefully, all the hope that I hold does not become the death of me like Gatsby.
The Lost Chapter,
My freshman year of college has officially come to an end today. I have packed up my belongings and now I am home for the summer until mid-August. As I look back on the whole experience, I have met a lot of people and been in situations I can not be more thankful for. I have made friends with people who love me to death, and care for me like a family member. I love that; I love knowing there are people looking out for me and are genuinely looking out for my best interests. I have had a handful of awful nights because of my history and/or my emotional instability, and my friends were there for me. Each time there was someone there to see to it that I was okay and that I was not going to do anything malicious to myself or someone else. Not everyone that I came across was friendly, or even who they seemed to believe who they were; but nonetheless everyone I have met and become associated with has taught me a valuable lesson.
In those two semesters though, I have realized something about myself I never thought I could find for three years. The feeling that has eluded my mind, my heart, and my soul is slowly unfolding its veil inside of me. I am beginning to unravel the shroud that has kept the key to my happiness day by day. Through all my depression and my suicidal years, I am climbing out of that hole I have lived in for quite some time now. I may slip and fall and descend a bit at times, but I am coming out from the darkness and misery that surrounded my life. I still have a ways to go, but I am farther away from the bottom of this abyss than I was in September. What is best about this revelation is that nobody is going to be able to make this happen and get me to work towards my goal, they may help (or try to keep me down for that matter) but at the end of each day - it is my decision to decide where I am.
All in all, I am glad this year is finally over. I need to get away from it all and just relax. I need time away to be able to go back, I miss it already but when I go back in August it will be worth the wait. I just need to enjoy the beautiful weather, spend time with family and friends, and live my life the way I want to. I can no longer sit around and wait for things to happen, I have to keep moving and keep my options open. I know I will be a better and stronger person when all is said and done.
I have come to the decision to no longer put myself out there, I am just going to do what I feel is necessary so long as it makes me happy. I have expanded so much energy into others it is time for me to take a break for my own welfare. I am going to be finished with my first year of college this Friday, and summer is going to be all about myself.
If people want to be a part of my life they will make an effort, I know how unique and special I am in this world. I am being conceited only because for the past couple years of my life I have let insecurities run rampant through my mind, but I can at least seem like an arrogant kid because I know what I really think of myself and that is all that matters.
So for now, I am slowing my roll and easing up on the pedal of life. I am still going to move forward with what I want like school and soccer, but when it comes to friends and my social life - I need to step back from it all. I am going to be the quiet and relaxed kid I was first semester, and let people go on with their own ordeals and I will be there for support at the end of the day if need be. Come next semester I am not really going to drink or party, I am going to focus on school and get my GPA back up.
I need to stop looking for certain situations to arise, and just be prepared for whatever or whoever comes my way in life. I know everything will work out in the end, and I just need to find my patience so that is can blossom in front of my eyes. I have expected too much and it has ruined some friendships recently, and I need to let the dust settle and let the cracks fix themselves so that everything can be mended. Hopefully this recent change I found inside myself lets opportunities form, but I just have to move along with the flow and try to find happiness.